date:
Thursday, December 20, 2007
title: in a time where i let everything go
theme: shinedown , 45
my mind is stuck between two reality at the moment. i'm in denial and in pain. that's what the song is about. can't accept everything so far and nobody to believe in anymore. i'm on the verge of a point break in which i can't saved myself from. i'm trying to figure out the facts but as always all of them are laughing at my stupid mind for letting such a dumb thing happen.
almost everything that i had suppressed inside this vain thin soul is trying to break free. tearing me from the inside as if some craze prisoners are making a stage against the warden of the house. i'm an idiot , a bloody crazed boy that can never grow up and be mature enough to accept any responsibility for himself and changed anything negative to be an opposite. i'm a failure, a self proclaim dude that doesn't have even the slightest guts to admit when he's beaten and torn down. i relinquish myself as a nobody and doesn't belong to any society that have ever existed.
i'm a cast off that always break his promises up to the point that i can't even remember the date of somebody's b-day.
they were right all along. i was just plain lucky to even come across somebody like her. it was just plain luck that i can even open up to anybody. all of the future plans and so called commitments back fire right at my face and i just stood there like some stupid fuck and did nothing. nothing, nothing and i can't even feel the simple taste of a present regret.
in the end, what did happen? it was all never seem made to be. the reason that i kept hearing in my sleep. my other self tells me it was all a lie. promises were never meant to be broken, so it must be a lie. "we'll be together forever" , that was our motto. yet it seems all of those words are just salt to the wound for me now. while my other half thinks i'm just the type of person that can never really get anything at all. it's fate i'm hearing. a nobody that nobody should even cared or even heard about. not a human, just some shadow that should remain in the shadow just rest to rot.
some people just think i'm faking it all the time. well here's your proof now. do u dare say i'm staging it again. fuckers, i'll rather killed myself again than hear anything else you have to say bout it.
all i keep hearing is its gonna be okay. by my grave it's gonna be okay. we both know just how hectic your schedule will be when you started dating again. it was the same when you lived next door, what makes you so certain it'll be the same when your way up there. i'm not forcing anyone to say we can't be friends. you say you'll be closed to me even as a friend but what makes you think that you can do so when your so busy all the time with your partner?
it's fucking depressing i know. my life IS a one big depressing world. it'll all start and end where it all began. hopefully i'll die and nobody will ever hear me again. better yet, why don't everyone out there just forget bout who i am. it doesn't mean a thing to me bout who's who anymore. i've already did phase one, now it's time for the final act. when i was all alone, whom i did have a chance to turn too before i finally started to settled it down myself. no one, i mean no one. i only smile and say i'm fine after it coz i didn't wanna bug anyone bout it anymore. like a stray dog that was left in the streets only to be run over by a drunk truck.
i'm gonna die now. don't be surprised if there's no news bout me. i've prepared for all of this to happen.
a kid with out a childhood,
a teenager with out a guidance,
a soul with no partner,
a contract that was all set and sign,
no one ever heard off,
time for it to be delivered,
a suicide note that just seem over due,
is now on the verge of an acceptance.
date:
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
title: people never change
i guess the word for the day is changes that can never happen.
awoke late today to the sound of some renovation next door. i think maybe the guys next door doesn't seem to notice that i was asleep. fuckers.
a so called "human" of mine send me an e-mail containing this...
he add a few minor details but i think what he was really trying to do was kill off my mood again. oh well, not another day goes by until somebody really try their hardest to make me more and more depressive. try and try again as they would and yet still they won't get that certain satisfaction that they desired.
people seem to think that i AM that individual which lacks a common sensitivity towards certain aspects of life. i choose to be who i am. i remember watching my cousin always scolding me for things i didn't do when i was a kid and at this one time she even grab a bamboo stick and started to whack my feet just to hear me beg her to stop it. i found out that doing so only motivates her more and so i just stay still and accept it. painful yea, tears came out of course, but i just stood there and accepted all of it. in turn she got bored and then ran off to somewhere i don't belong.
a smile can used in two ways. one, to show that your currently very satisfied with your situation. two, to suppress all the pain inside so that nobody can ever reach for it and block anyone's attention towards caring for it. that was when my attitude towards life changed. i don't smile for happiness that often this days.
that picture made my day. merry early x'mas everyone. may your life won't as pathetic as mine.
