date:
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
title: bill murray
I feel intoxicated again. but i made some new random friends with the band that came into kirby's. to start off with, here's the deal with kirby's. it's a bar that's been going strong for more than 16 years. i'm familiar with the bartenders Paul and Sol. the story goes i ask for their name one day and both of them told me "We know your name, your the only asian that come's here".
I added one of the bands name to my blog's theme song. i hope you like it.
Back to the main story, i've been feeling a bit guilty with myself this past few days. i completely let myself wide open and now i can't fix it. i can only pick one but i'll have to sacrifice the other. i used to say i really want a happy ending for everybody, but as i aged i realize that is literally a mission impossible. it sucks that i can't make anybody happy anymore, i suffer inside silently to not show that it affects me.
i do want some sort of happiness for myself, not much but just a tiny bit just so i can feel i did the job. but i feel as if i don't know anybody anymore. everybody i see is just coming out to see who i am / what i have become / or just what do i look like now. i can't deny their curiosity, but i truly feel i rather just spend time with somebody that doesn't just judge me or just somebody which i feel comfortable with. i feel like i can't connect with anybody anymore. its more or less just me staring into their eyes and trying to see what they're trying to get out of me.
i wish someday when somebody reads the news and they see my name, they don't remember me for what i'm doing to get my name there, but more towards for what i did in the past to make them remember my name til then.
date:
Friday, July 22, 2011
title:
I kinda miss that certain person at this moment. i won't lie, i do still wish i sometimes can hang with her now and then. Maybe it's just the alcoholic talking, the after buzz i get from the rum + cokes, or just maybe the long walk i took back home that is gasping my brain to tell the truth. if i didn't speak the truth, then there was no reason for me to type this post or even start this blog in the first place.
As i lock the door behind me, i felt a light breeze through my head and it just brought me back to those times when we used to walk together and just made fun of people who dress funny along side KL or even in college. Yes, i'm a sucker for love and screw me for still having cupid's arrow still piercing my heart even though i swore to myself to just let the hole turn into a scar and just live by it every single day.
The fact that i still can't allow myself to be swallowed by the evil guilt of finding a replacement for a girl that's already been 5 years partaking towards me makes this so unbelievable. perhaps maybe i owe it to myself to at least keep one of the broken promises that i gave to her, or maybe perhaps i felt like i owe some broken heart to never look for another girl again as i told my ego she was the one and nobody else. pain painstakingly i tried to look for another, but every single eye that i peer into leads me back into my own soul and i just stop at a stuttering point to tell the stranger that we should just be friends as i feel injustice to be with them when i pretend to be some sort of element in their daily routine.
Learning to drink just to drown my sorrows certainly helps ease the tension and pain that comes and goes, but even that can only push me so far. i can't really talk about it to anybody else, just because i literally have a trust disease. the only person i would really want to talk to is the one and only person i can't talk about as i fear that it will push her away from me again just like a needle going through a my nails trying to make the perfect blood manicure.
But you know, at the end of the day i just feel like i want to ask but yet i kinda realize its the wrong time to say anything about it. would i ever be able to find out who i am or even find out if she'll ever be even take another glance back towards me? at least i know one thing. i learn to love the darkness that the fall has befallen upon me.
date:
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
title:
" I met an angel today. I feel like I've known her for a long time. I know its wrong for me to say this since I feel I belong to another girl, but I'm so confused. I like her, not just because of her looks because I haven't met her yet. But just because she just seem real and real to me. I don't think she's fake, I think she is a real gem.
How do i describe her? she's very daring. daring as in able to make me do things that i think i won't ever be able to do somebody else. she push me off the edge a bit here and there and the good part is i don't mind doing her bidding. maybe it's just me wanting to play with fire but it's just so intoxicating.
She has her own view about things and she has her own direction of where she want to go. the total opposite of me where i just go and live in the present and don't give a fuck what'll happen to me in the future. she can be cute at times describing what she wanna make herself as a future person, i tend to annoy her a bit just because it think its funny how she wants to be a leader when she's so small in stature.
What i like about her the most is the way she tend to respond to my ludicrous comments and just go with it like its a normal conversation. its like we known each other in a past life or something and decided when we die, we'll converse again like nothing "dead" ever happen. while it may seem to others, i feel like i can't be bothered with what others think and i feel as though she feels the same way.
Although this may not be the last time i write about her, i do feel like i wanna talk to her more and just be with her for as long as she wants me there in her window. i AM afraid of getting close to her just because for fear that i'll ruin everything, and i know for a fact i WILL do so. this is how much i don't trust myself but she just makes me just wanna jump the gun and dive away from the safe heavens of Titanic together with her hands.
I think i need to continue this another time, or maybe hide it for now. because i feel terrible being not able to tell her how much i'm willing to commit myself to her. "
date:
title:
Summer's been hot like a mother F*. excuse my french, but it is. bloody hot that even the freaking A/C in my house couldn't even keep up with it. waking up just to see myself with a light wet T from all the sweat that pour out, i feel i might as well go out for a sauna. my nights has been feel with bar smoke and alcoholism. i know its bad, i can already sense myself putting all my vain gym work out to vain. i have to stick to shots more, stay off the beer and just control my tab.
December i'm coming home. Yes! do spread the word. i'll be stopping by in KL for a few days before heading to KK.
The other day, i went to club rodeo even though i literally told my housemates i really really wasn't feeling it. its nothing against the club, the hot cowboy girls or even the fact that they play fast paced country song. its just that sorta vibe i get before somebody invite me out that i shouldn't go. i tend to listen to it but god Wade was so freaking pushy that i just go like "fuck, alright i'll go. stop spamming me already". so we went and met up with Larry and drunk Kevin who was already on his 10th beer 3 hours before the last call.
We went out to have a smoke and this lady came up to me asking if she can have a seat. i said yea and her and 2 other galfrenz decided to steal the seat away from us. the gal started to talk to me and introduce herself as Amber. Me and Amber started to talk and Wade decided to step in and try to hijack her but she completely ignore him. After like an hour of conversing, her friends decided to head in to dance and she walk away while staring back at me. I didn't realize this, but Wade suddenly punch me in the gut asking why i didn't get her number? it was then realize what an utter buffoon i was and i went fux. Amber left the club eventually before me and Wade again pointed out she was staring back at me on the way to the exit. I told wade, "when it comes to computers, i can be Einstein himself but when it comes to gals i'm literally a noob". Wade told John about it and they both gave me shit and rub it in to me the whole week.
I just came back from Kirby's a few mins ago and saw this band from south cali called Jam Stained. my comments about them god fucking wow. its not even the fact their good playing without a lead singer. it is the fact that they have such a good chemistry together and that their guitarist plays like Jimi Hendrix. i talk a bit with their bass player Aiden and he introduced me to his brother who was their drummer. he was so effing good, the drummer from the band that played before them got out of the bar just to get close to him watching how he was smashing the drums. they're gonna head out to Denver tomorrow morning and it'll be a hot 8 hour drive from here. I wish them good luck and keep on rocking before i head out after i heard the last call from kirby's.
in the next post, i'm gonna have to put a piece i wrote a long time ago bout some other girl. i promise i'd give her as soon as possible but then again i do realize i've been a bit emo this past week with my lone visits to kirby's. i'll see you guys in the next post. keep it real til then.
