date:
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
title: Stereo hearts
With the whole eyes on me, i feel like i'm stuck in a corner trying with no where to run. i can smell them everywhere and my brain grew tired each day telling myself it is going to be okay. my dreams have been shattered and i'm stuck in a chain that i was trying to free myself in the first place.
The constant barrage by my family members over the phone, the holding up of tear lids from the reading repetitive emails or spam that has been flood towards my inbox with the same message. yes! i get it. i get it already. i know who's fault is it. does it make you glad to know that i'm broken again? does it satisfy you that i had sleepless nights just thinking nothing about myself? does it make you glad that i can't hide behind a face mask anymore?
My dad started drinking again and started to call me late mornings when he should be sleeping taking care of my mum. i know its because of me, but again i am helpless to do anything. has any of the promises i kept ever came true? maybe i should just stop making any or just stop interacting with anybody what so ever? fuck i hate this. i know its a repeating cycle, but i'll keep on saying this.
Want to know the saddest part of this entry? it is the fact that the people i need the most are nowhere to be found. why one would ask? because fame and fortune has befallen over them and they're nowhere to be seen now. i already made a pledge with myself, be successful and never forget who put me there.
date:
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
title: Texas
Abilene has been a chilling part of my week. aside from taking care of three annoying kids, babysitting a toddler that tends to want to be carried all around rather than wanting to crawl his way from point A to point B or the fact that i'm stuck with my cousin again that tends to be direct and still treats me as if i'm still a 11 year old kid that she try to ensure i was in top shape just so i don't degrade myself in front of the girls.
Yea, i would say it's been a nice experience.
Unfortunately, i'm now stuck in a dilemma to which is taking the breath out of my lungs and i'm awake suffocating from the lack of oxygen in my brain. why is it when ever i try to set myself to do something, somebody always get in the way of me and try to push me to their way instead of allowing me to do things mine?
Its not like i'm not deviating from their plans. what makes their plan better than mine? i'm still gonna suffer anyways to achieve something, and if i am gonna walk through burning embers bare footed, i would rather do it my way rather than anybody else's way. I've already commit myself to reach the destination the same time as everybody's expectation.
But you know what, i really do feel at times i really do need a permanent break. a break to which i'll never break out of. it's getting late. i post some pictures soon.
