date:
Thursday, April 24, 2008
title: tear ur heart
theme: We The Kings, Check Yes Juliet
i'm a bit groggy at the moment. mind the boozes and a new sack of alcohol my cousin bought for his little trip he and his girlfriend is going this week. i guess they feel bad coz their forcing me to watch over the cats again, so might as well jolt my mind up to insanity while i'm making sure i don't accidentally take a shot gun and blast a few furs out of my face.
why do parents have an issue against their kids having a different network? my parents seem to like themselves being in the center of everything. they don't care if its a big event like some piece of silverware i've won or even just some tiny thing like i'm meeting up with a girl or something. it annoys me when ever they go like ' u can't trust your friends, there's no need...their useless'. in some cases, i have to agree. but on a whole, i don't like it when somebody orders me to do something which only benefits them ALONE.
so what happens if i'm supposed to call in a favor and the only real people i can go to are my friends? what happens if i'm lost in kl and the only useful number i can call are them and not others?
i caught the lonely syndrome way back in 93. some showcase in kk, a lot of people and whole lot of confusion. i was lost and left alone while my parents were caught up in the madness of the flurry. i got away from all the noise and just sat at the bench outside. pretending to be somebody's own, hoping that some mad psycho won't kidnap me and ditch my body parts in the bin. some rock music was rocking in the background so i guess i got my addiction from there.
here's my dialog of the day...
liz : i hope your doing fine there
me : i knw hw bad my situation is. no point in hoping
the scar that i got from last time hasn't heal. i guess i underestimated how deep it was.
the ecstasy of the agony, how it never ends...
date:
Thursday, April 10, 2008
title: i wish everybody would just forget bout the handphone
theme: water splashing in the aquarium behind me
sometimes i wish that i can never be found. my dad call me today asking me bout an update of my current situation. here's the thing, for every task that he sent me out to do he expects me to do it in less than a day. this coming from somebody who always expect perfection from everything in what his children does. there's no second place in his mind, only the number ones lay waste in his mind.
the thing is, this sorta thing takes time. and one day only got like 24 hours. i maybe a vampire, but i can't expect myself to move on and just change into a zombie. no matter what valid reason i tell him, he'll never listen. that's just the dad he is.
so as you can expect, the conversation turn into a real fight with me just trying to think of way to end it. my ears was getting hot as coal just digesting all the words he abuse at me. he may not have the best English in the world but it still packs a bite.
this is just one of the many reasons where i wish i could just disappear and just wait till i'm reborn again. but then again, i'm not the same person as i was before. they say falling down is the hardest thing to ever happen. i object by stating that rising up is even harder.
date:
Monday, April 7, 2008
title: story of the year is back
theme: Paramore, That's What You Get
story of the year is back with a bang. i heard their new single and i have to say, not too shabby. i've been a fan of them ever since they came out. i first heard their song off the need for speed soundtrack. the next day, i pack my wallet and head straight off to BB to search for their CD. since tower records always has this vibe that it ONLY has artists that people tend to normally listen to the local radio, i decided to ditch it and walk to my normal store. where the prices are cheaper and they have more variety. my type of store. it know it's a pirated copy but hey, it beats me using a torrent. at least the fact that i paid for it made me proud that i some how some way contributed to their sale. their second album was a major bummer, hopefully this time around they learn what they did wrong and move on to make music that every fan can expect them to do so.
i'm ditching both versions of myself. i decided to do so. no more too negative and and no more too positive. i'm going in between. which is a balance of both worlds. i figured so since i was so lost in trying to decide what the fuck i should be. the pain is still there, i know for a fact it'll never go away. but then again, nothing ever really does leave me without some sort of present to remember meant to keep my insane mind preoccupied.
u might have known this blog as forsided before. i change it in order to keep other people from knowing bout me. i think its fair time that i left them behind after all the dejection phase they made me go through. mindofareject it was, since i got rejected all the time. the same old haha that i can hear from a mile away makes me knees weak, makes my hate motor rev up and run wild. but i choose to be ignorant and let it be. i'm gonna make it my point to make everybody see that i'm not whom they thought of me to be. i can't be a whinner forever, i have to step up.
i've ran away from home, live all by my lonely self and suffer the fact of going through a wreck phase. through it all, i push people away, made them annoy with me and just gave up on certain things. so to start it off, here's another random.
this is me now,
drowning all my senses away,
burning everything down,
just to make sure i can drown in the river,
i sort of started to wonder,
when i gaze at the sky,
is this how it was meant to be,
when ever i let them win,
when i let them laugh and mock me,
behind closed doors,
even face to face,
i'm better than them aren't i?
i'm not a kid anymore,
even my shadow feels embarrassed to follow me,
i've been wrong before,
what's the difference now,
all i need to do,
is just drown them away,
and let them die in my sorrow,
for those that hurt me,
i'll promise i shall pay you back in due time,
for those that protected my shallow shell,
i'll promise to keep you safe from harm,
to me, nothing beats more,
than a dying heart just starving to breath,
to make something new,
to endure a pain that hurt so much,
i'm rising up,
so be warn,
i'm gonna start a new hell.
