date:
Friday, April 30, 2010
title:
manchester orchestra, shake it outfinals are just around the corner and i still have a shitlist of work to do. i've just e-mail my mum concerning about something which i will not tell (for now) and am drown with guilty about it. gawd i wish i can just drown myself.i tried this purple looking vodka the other night and it tasted epically dreadful. if i ever see another purple drink in front of me, i'd be sure i'd get out of the room and just look for a late night mcd's to ditch the club.there's a reason why i hate looking at pictures. i always seem to come across something which reminds me of something bad that happened within them and my mind just feel a slight pinch of a nail being hammered to my lungs. it's a dreadful way to describe it i know, but then i guess its just something that i got to deal with. i wanna be a living ghost at times, just something that can look at something and just feel empty inside. being drunk to let the tears out is emphatically zero atm seeing that i freaking made an oath to never repeat it again.i do thank the lord for all that's been granted to me, but i guess at the same time i do need to suffer sometimes and not lead a perfect life. some have ask will i ever love again? honestly, i can't answer. its just that something which i think i never know. the pain is still there, the scars tend to open once inawhile, but at least i'm dealing it better than i did before. i know the time will come when i have to take another knife to break off the stitches again and just confront a part of me that's been locked up so long. i'm bracing myself everyday that its gonna happen, i'm reminding myself that it will be a bitch again to be dealt with, and i'm keeping myself sane because it is just something which WILL inevitably happen. do i make another fool of myself again or do can i trust myself to be stone cold about it? i'm hoping that its the latter.there's only sadness and happiness at the end for that path for me. so far i'm only dealing with sadness, so then again if it comes to it; i guess i'll deal with more sadness at the end. maybe i'm supposed to be sad all the time and just be complacent about it. i'm nobody special to be with, maybe i'm meant to be alone til i bleed it out. eternally, my funeral will be a specter where all the only guardians will be the snowing rain that'll cover my grave with whiteness that'll mask my sorrow for nobody to be see.
date:
Sunday, April 11, 2010
title:
rev theory, voicesim due 2 tests, a forum post and a heck load of a written assignments today. i know i gotta do it but my mind is telling me to sleep. so i guess i'll hit the sack and wake up in an hour after this post.my eyes are failing me as it is, that normally flicker that i'm seeing is a good proof of this.honestly after much thinking, i'm really at that point of mind where i think some friends are just luxury. the ones that are not are just limited and are so scattered around that i feel just sad to say that at times i can't really talk to them. the ones that are close to me, proximity wise just thinks of themselves as a chatter box and i can't really motivate myself to grab a box to fill in their topics.i like this song because it depicts of what i'm going through at the moment. perfectly with no flaws. yea, it may sound familiar to some people. but screw you if you think i'm just hallucinating myself over it.i'm doing things really by myself right now. gone are the days in nilai where i can pretend to have somebody i can trust and talk about things. i'm in an unknown area where some people know what is going on and pretend that they can't do anything about it when they can. i'm defenseless but now i'm surrounding myself with walls of bricks that just simply needs to be made out of steel. i like how people assume i'll get over things when the scars that remain will continue to open up and cost me to bleed over again.i received a call from a family member in which i rejected twice today, and i got a voice mail out of it. i blatantly lie to a friend about a problem due to the fact she has a problem with her beau. i pretended to be okay in front of my housemate and be nice to him because he's still a kid and i know he sensed something was wrong with me. i glanced at people whom i wish was on but decided to hold back on telling them that i need a shoulder cry on. i decided not to drop a tear after i wake up today because i hate that sense of fragile that comes and haunts me in my dreams.how much have i sin today i really can't say. i know for a fact that all this hardship i'm going through will reward me with something great in the end. i'm nobody to bitch about, i just need to get over it and continue ascending towards the sky.i need my cold hearted voices to start speaking again. i need them to wake up from their long slumber and just motivate me. i need to talk to them more, and for them to make sure i keep on living my path of just being an outsider. i need saving, and i'm going to save myself by myself with just my own two hands to carry this weight on my shoulders. i maybe care-free at times, but i'm crawling myself to let that part of me die just so i can pretend that i'm gonna replace the hero that i killed at the end and just be the main character of a long story.
date:
Friday, April 9, 2010
title:
hear me,
i'll be waiting,
hoping to see it again,
this is my curse,
falling away,
from where is love,
will i wait in despair,
or take the step to nowhere,
just silently crawling away,
my hunger for gold craves,
i sit down and just waste her time,
still i want what i don't have,
i get myself up,
i break this walls,
i tortured myself,
just to see her face,
i have to move forward,
decided to forsake everything,
can't be torn down,
can't be stomp down,
from this life i'm awake,
i can't depend on anybody,
i have to make my way up,
facading others that are around me,
i have to make it,
must be there at the end,
the golden road,
the dream i yearned,
i can't set my standards the same,
they have to be higher,
i swear to myself,
i'll be the one looking down on you at the end,
and when i do meet her again,
i wonder what will i say,
with all my glamor and glitter that i've accumulate,
will i accept her again.
date:
title:
a friend of mine contact me out of my blue and we a lil chat. i feel a bit withdrawn to tell her any updates about me seeing that i myself just fail at life didnt even make any effort to try and say a wats up to her. its a pain for me this semester, though my much fancy facade has help to help me fucking hang on to whats left. a piece of the convo make a stain in my brain and decided to stick itself there.
" forget about ur stuff and just focus on your studies, you always succeed at what ever you focus"
i hate it when somebody's right and i'm not. but i have to give praise when it is plainly due. this is gonna be a long one so bear with me.
me and this guy, nameless has been going to class with a car. see, what you don't know about nameless is that he applied for a student visa and thought it would be okay to just enroll. unfortunately in the middle of the semester, his visa application got rejected by the visa guys and he was left to pack his bags and head back. what that meant was that, he was forced to drop his classes and take a flight home which left me all alone to go to class. did i feel sad, yes i did. but i also know that result also meant trouble for me since i basically had no means of transport to go to class. so for the past weeks, i've sacrificed my consumption of food and replaced it with cab fair which costs about 80 bucks to head to class because frankly i really DO NOT WANNA FREAKING FAIL. the end of the semester is near, but i still have lots to do. i have to pay the rent, get a drivers license, and just try to keep my house together coz i can see my other housemate has just been demoralized by the lost of nameless.i'm starving myself to get to class and i'm doing a good job. nobody really knows about this and i guess its because its due to the fact that i'm just being a garr. so far, i've managed to stamp an A, and in need of getting another 2 more. i hate it when every time i set myself to do something, there's a freaking road block that just bumps itself to see whether or not i have what it takes to jump over it and move forward. the worst part for all of this is that i'm sacrificing a class because its on another day and i really can't make it because by then, i will be broke by the end of the month to do anything. good part is this whole messed puts me into a fucking pressure cooker to which i strive upon to deliver fucking results.
am i broke ? yes
am i hungry ? yes
do i have to do this? yes
i'm just looking forward to finishing this semester with 2 A's, a B and an F. what the hell, i just really can't be perfect anymore.
sometimes i wish i was somebody else, or nobody else. but then again, i know my existence is special because i'm blessed with facing such turmoils. get the job done "garr", focus and do your thing. "you" can't depend on anybody. "you" got this.
date:
Thursday, April 1, 2010
title:
so i guess it's about that time when i start to post something. a little while ago, i was doing a hw when the lecturer ask me to write a poem about something. i guess i wrote about what she deem was something. btw, thanks z for calling. i kinda need a break and your voice just seem a gift from the clouds. anyways, here's the piece. got a lot of problems atm but i'll try to get by. regards to the sisters that visit my blog, maybe someday we'll have a conference and talk about life.I am but a single person,
something which can only do so much,
yet so little at the end,
I try my best to help that which is in front of me,
yet I end up just abusing myself in the end,
I wish at times to balance that which I just can't,
I try to do things myself,
I like the feeling of accomplishment that it bring,
that proud yes which I so deem covenant,
I am but one soul,
I dare to fail to make it this far,
but how long can I go I never know,
I refused to listen to others,
for I think they're just trying to play me down,
I think i'm strong but I know i'm otherwise,
I still have the dream that i'll make it,
and I know that I have to,
it is my right to do so,
until that day comes,
i'll abuse myself to keep on surviving,
grabbing each accomplishment til I tire down,
days have no rest for me,
I will succeed and I mark myself for it,
for it is the story that I write myself with.
