date:
Saturday, October 18, 2008
title:
Halloweens just around the corner and already i can see those kids planning themselves to wear costumes. its supposed to be a dark period but yet i don't feel anything dark bout it.
i came across a quote the other which i find it to be true.
"it takes time to heal, but the wounds shall never heal completely. no matter how long it take, the scars shall always remain opened for new ones"
i talk to farah to clear the mist of hate she thinks i'm having for her. yea, i used to hate her. however, i reserved a lot more of my hate this days to somebody else. she says she wants an acknowledgment. i'll never give her that so long as i can draw breath.
lis said i should just stop hating. i feel its better for me to not open up to anybody anymore.
date:
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
title:
i hate it when i'm feeling like me,
it just makes me feel restricted,
i'm a fly in a spider web,
my hands and legs can't even flinch,
i feel tied down even when there's no rope,
i want that evil razor blade,
when your own heart tells you to die,
how can you expect to just move on,
everything you hate just sits around you,
it feels your about to be torn apart,
and then sew back to stitches back again,
i feel lost,
maybe i've reach my limit,
i always knew that i had it,
i didn't expect it to be this short,
now the fuse has burn out,
and i can't find anything replaceable,
i hate this,
i've tried to reach out,
but i realize nobody will understand,
they can't do anything anyways,
this situation of mine is fuck up,
the best place for me is not to hide,
but just take that plunge into despair,
back away from me before i break,
i feel like snapping and just screaming,
let everybody know that i hate them,
just to show how hateful i've let myself be,
i'm not overdosed,
i'm just over my suicidal head.
date:
Monday, October 6, 2008
title: i can't...
Live, I Alone
i can't work like this. it makes my life unorganized and well unorganized. so for now, let me reiterate myself to this 3 basic rules.
rule number 1
don't trust anybody. anybody can turn on you at any second. should i be require to trust someone, i'll do so with the intent of making them believe i can be trusted, in which i can't. yea, i don't do well when mixing with others. all i do is just disappoint and just fulfill my ideals and don't care that much for the collective cause. i will not apologize for who i have become. life it seems is just another fake yellow pages which can't be trusted and just mislead me to some other tragedy that's just waiting to happen. never let anybody know who you really are and never open up like some type of virus expecting anybody to accept me for who i am. it's pointless, and most important of all...unimportant.
rule number 2
expand my horizon and make use of what i can. do not ask for favors or even give a glance from anybody that i need anything. i feel awkward knowing that i owe somebody and that i'm supposed to pay them back. how i dread the day when i have to ask the question of asking "can i?" i've done things on my own since i've known myself to be self independent and i should improve that tool to its maximum potential. should i be required to ask anybody as a last resort, refer to rule number 1. should somebody ask me for a favor and i end up doing, refer to rule number 1 as well. thanks you is just a note i just jot down on a paper and shred it small pieces.
rule number 3
for the most part, love makes me weak and i hate the four letter weak to begin with. i'm pretty sure when US bomb Hiroshima and Nagasaki (forgive my history), somebody must have put on the words "With love, USA". that's how much on an impact some viral captivating perception that L enigma is. be it as it may, i won't hinder anybody if they wanna take the leap with me. i know at the end of the day, somebody's gonna be left crying and i'm prepared for that.
due to the past events, i figured thats the least i could to maintain some sort of damage control. likewise if anybody choose to hate me over it, i shall applaud them and be sure to say thanks. just make sure you close the door on your way out my life.
