date:
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
title:
(skillet, hero)i'm druggin myself with alchohol and diet pills. i'm hoping it'll give me a sense of non reality to help me coup with all this. i'm wondering if i should finish that bacardi. i just found out somebody has been using my debit card. i don't know how they did it, i just wish i knew how as well. i stick a note to my wall reminding me that i should go to the bank today. it is that important. i'm keep reminding myself how much of a fail i've been. from people, to education to even trying to keep myself motivated. i like to keep a lot of things to myself. is that a crime? maybe its a bit of a luck i made it so far thus far. the other day i was told that i was being nice. fact is, i really wasn't sure how to talk to people anymore. i don't know how to interact or ask for help when in the depths of my mind i knew i must. every time i look at who's online, i see a bunch of names that i think i just add just for the sake of knowing the person. those i tend to talk to, seems distant and have their own problems to deal with. i wonder if it was right to even talk to them in the first place. i can't wait to finish my finals. by that night, i'd probably open up another bottle and finish it as well. i think i may have found a new friend.
date:
Monday, December 14, 2009
title:
"if this is read, it just mean's i'm partially dying inside. though it is nothing that important, it just simply means i'm that close to killing myself again."
garrz
date:
Friday, December 11, 2009
title:
"I didn't thoroughally understand this piece. It seems you were leading someone to do something to you. The structure was good, though. Your choice of words was good. It was really off beat. I suppose you intended it to be that way. I like to read some of your other works. Please keep writing. I am sure I can find something I can understand. This is my ignorance. All the best. Beeline!"
i guess that is something which i don't get to hear everyday.
date:
Thursday, December 10, 2009
title:
my hearts in turmoil, i don't know what to say. my chest hurts and my head is clear is enough to know why. i realized what i had done. has all these scars drove me to this point where i willingly allowed myself to toyed with people's emotions? has this what have become of me?dear gawd, why must it be this way? i've tried to think over every stone that i can find. something or anything that can salvaged this situation. i just can't find any. is it really too late to save that somebody being played by me?dear self,why do you always have to put somebody under a false illusion just to step on them further and make everything more worst? i'm pinning on everything that happen to self. no, it's not fun anymore. it's not okay anymore to give somebody that smile to turn them away. it's not okay to sway them away and just pretend that everything is okay. i'm sick of this shit. i'm gonna destroy my arm today. i'm gonna hurt myself today so that i'll know not to hurt others. i don't deserved this, not this reward. no, for fuckin sake why.
date:
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
title:
i guess it's bout time i posted something. my first post for the month of dec. i'm feeling a bit nostalgic and emotic these days. i try to waste myself away by keeping my eyes close but don't think its working at the moment.my passport has expired. chills to my spine? meh, i don't feel anything. i'm more worried about my financial backdrop. the water in the well is gonna be dried soon but then, i've been through these phase before so i'll do my best again to coup with what lays ahead. i don't know if i should call these useless or annoying, the random thoughts that's been strumming in my mind. it comes in and just sits there for what ever i don't know reason. ironically, its thoughts of my past life and those past relationships with certain people that comes to mind. stuff like "i wonder what she is doing now?" "how is she doing?" which i don't really know what am i supposed to feel.i put another scar again on that same old spot just well, i just felt like it. i know i'm not supposed to. i know i agree not to. i know i'm gonna get bashed as well. but for what ever reason, i can't really express what was the logic behind it. maybe i guess i wanted to feel that rush again. a slash wasn't enough, so i made another one and it looks like an 'X". the song of the month is slipknot's snuff. the theme for the day is i have a lot on my shoulders which i don't think i can share and hold.pierce this words on the wall
i posted them in my darkest world
remade them so they glow
i still hold your words to my chest
i face the life with your beautiful lies
i guess that's the cost i sign myself in
i made up stories to keep you sane
my honesty is merely just a shadow on your knees
it lies and wait and erased when ever you smile
i listen to your angelic words til i weep
those tears that drop are but fakes
i should have known know that you'll quit before i talk
i grasp in the world of what the future holds
we broke it together and leave it at the floor
i still feel i'm apart of your cage
did you left me because you love me
my heart is just too dark to care
my smile gone long ago and rotting in the grave
i'll savor everything for now
all that was real i still hold dear
until i hate you enough to make me fall again
i'm going to rest now in silent
i'm heading down to stop the pity that comes
lets meet up once again when angels come and die.
