date:
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
title:
egypt central, over and undera high school friend of mine told me that he's coming to to touch down in US for some work and ask if we can meet up in my state.normally i'd be a good Samaritan and graciously accept his proposal. but i took a moment back and contemplate about myself and just choose to ignore him. i feel that in my current state, i can't expect to showcase myself to people for fear of being subjugated to a mere description of still studying/slacking. yes, i do feel a sense of guilt but then again, i am such a prick that i can just be immune to things which i perceived as trivial.today i'm gonna meet with my uni advisor to see if i have a shot at getting back in for Fall. i'm having my fingers crossed that they let me in. i know i fucked up before, but then i learn the hard way of trying to mend it. it was a long road and one that's so stressful that i think at one point i didn't even sleep for 2 whole days just concerned bout my classes and grades. khor gave me his good wishes to not follow in his footsteps and he knows i burn my ass off since he got the one way ticket home. i don't know what i'll do if i don't get back in, i might just kill myself with sleeping pills or even just try to slit my wrist again with a razor. i feel the pressure to be somebody from back home, and it's such a pain to know that i don't have any say in it seeing that i myself don't wish to be a fck-ed up. i told myself there's no worst comes to worst anymore, it has to be the "way" that people expect it to "be". one the reasons why i hate people is because i do feel that someday they might just forced me to kill myself for reasons that they think are unrelated to their self conscious. dear god, may you watch over me today and bless me. may i be back in WSU for Fall and may i not repeat the same mistakes again that nearly end me.
date:
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
title:
i wish at times when i talk to you,
i can actually read your mind,
to know what it is that your trying to say,
rather than just pretend to assume about nothing,
i wish i had the urge to hold your hand when we're walking,
past the shops and the Starbucks,
along the streets that just seem to never die,
in front of a crowd that just seem waiting for an accident to happen,
i wish i had the dignity to tell you face to face,
what really lies deep in my words,
pieces of encrypted messages,
that only i seem to understand,
i wish i can just throw my life away,
and just be somebody that can be there for you when you call,
go past the overdrive and just be at your front door,
waiting for the door to be open,
i don't know why i am that pathetic,
you already know this to be true,
i can be a jerk when it comes to tearing walls down,
yet you still choose to dial my name on speed dial,
your driving me under with silence,
it's practically just making me walking the plank,
sooner or later i'd be bound to fall off,
drown in the maddening whispering waters,
just call my name,
i'll make it okay,
your screams are burning through my veins.
