title: “I was taught that pain is bad. ” Keith Miller
time: 3:20 AM
I check the application status today, and it read “Congratulations, You been accepted”. A gust of stressful air came out of my lungs as I breathed myself to control my emotions. Focus Gary, you just break the first part of the wall. Now you have to climb the steps and this time, a single slip is the end.
I never knew they would accept me, but they did. I guess its either they want my money, they think I’m good enough or just they just think I’ll fail again. Thoughts can only explain which is which, I know my brain is currently hell bend on its current assumption.
I haven’t been able to contact a few person of interest in awhile. Most probably because I feel it’s close to valentines and I guess some of them are bit pre-occupied with it both in a positive and negative way. I’ve no plans for v-day, as much as some people would think I should. I kind of feel old when I think about it. Me celebrating it with somebody, and the thought of Katy Perry’s music video pop up into the frame. It’s not enough that hitz.tv play it every day in their playlist, they played it nearly every morning. I swear it’s always there coz I listen to it every time when I have my morning coffee. Did I mention I’m trying to quit smoking now? Yes, serious.
Who am I kidding right?
But honestly I am. I’ll at least give it a real shot this time.
Happy valentines to all you love birds out there. Hopefully you won’t look your partner in the eye and scare them off like I did.
date:
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
title: “I think knowing what you cannot do is more important than knowing what you can. ” Lucille Ball
time: 3:37 AM
Ever got the feeling that gravity is suddenly making you heavier than you should be? The unexplained thing that just make you stop in your tracks and just fill you with negative remarks like you CAN’T DO IT, YOUR NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO DODGE THE BULLET!, JUST MAKE SOME NEW PLANS ALREADY. I’ve been getting that. From driving around in KL for the first time in about 5 years, towards trying to calm myself to not be pissed by people’s remark about my so called accent.
Anybody stays in the west Malaysia will tell you, KL driving is one of a kind. The drivers here will expect you bend your ass over for them over trying to get to their destination rather than do it in a safe and saintly manner. I just don’t get it. There’s a speed limit, and there’s 3 lane, and every car in those lanes are breaking the speed limit. (by a lot) yes, I do see some people that obeys the speed limit but they get pressured from behind to go faster just because people here can’t stand being slow. Your car is not in a jam, and your car is going over 70. WTH is the big deal? I can feel myself slowly and surely becoming a speed dragster myself over the weeks that passed by with the apparent errand to send my cousin’s gf to work just cause he doesn’t let her drive the car. Just last night was the first time I broke the law of never driving while under the influence. Nobody got hurt that’s the good thing. But I can tell Agnes was a bit more nervy with the way I was driving, not that I can blame her.
Nava was drunk the other day and blasted his mouth about me trying to just act cool with the accent. It came as a bit of a shocker to me seeing him behaving that way, considering he was a cool guy before the devil water sank into his brain. Offended I was, but then again I guess I should have expected as much with all the pubbing and clubbing I did while I was in Wichita.
“move forward Gary, keep on pushing yourself to move forward”
Words that I utter to myself every time I wake and try to get some shut eyes. I have to keep walking forward and just can't neglect myself to remember what the past did to me. I try to dangle my mind to not think about it, but then the other dark part of me comes out and just show the wrong doings that is already in my very own bible. Great, now I have to deal with two of me. One that’s trying to just do pro-active things, and the other the failure that was indebted in my past glory. I feel like there’s a battle of words going on between the three of us. It’s making my head do the mood swings, its forcing my heart to grab the razor blade again and slit a line down my wrist.
-Thou that shall not be name- has revert back towards calling me DG. I guess I deserved it. Maybe I am what everybody labels me to be, even if they had never talk or interact with me before. I kind of want to hang with that girl in Boston now, and just get stuck with an awkward silence for a few hours.
There is no full proof plan towards making people accept you who you are unless you show them what’s in your head – lesson for the day. But then again, what can you do when most the people that’s in close proximity to you are those that remind you of your past degenerate failure and thinks you can’t do anything than they perceived.
With my head bow, I aim my hatred at myself and proposes to use it as another motivation to just cover up myself again in my unlit room and contemplate my next move. Let the tug of war between the garrz begin.
Webowner
Hi,my name is Garrz. some would call me me G where others choose to be formal and just call me by my surname.
this blog is a recollection of my life and my undecided other soul.
while it may seem to be suicidal in a glance, it is just an explicit form of expression of myself against the typical world.
i AM a banana and i do LOVE sad pandas.
contact can be made towards ybgarr@gmail.com
