i'm sipping whiskey, think the bottles nearly empty again. i'm trying to claw my fingers around looking for more. seems every sound is telling me its empty.
i throw a bottle away to the wall a few mins ago. think it got crack. think there's pieces of it on the floor. feeling a slight pain some where. think a piece choose to stick itself to my skin. luckily no drops are on the floor. i hope not, its gonna be a bitch to explain it to my housemate later. why is there blood on the carpet? i hate giving out long term explaining. forgive my grammer. my heads not right.
think i have a split personality that comes out when i'm nearly half past dead. it goes up and just pick the perfect tone. everything is keep piling up and now i'm broken again.
my mind is picking words from nowhere again. i'm getting a headache just trying to see them in the dark.
Coz I remember everything that was said It spins around in my head Doesn't matter what I try to do I keep on reminding myself not to forget Forget about what had happen Just when I meet somebody new I came right back in the beginning Forget forget forget I'm killing myself to forget it ain't no joke it's not something which can be fix now i see it it's a pile all over again
my mum sent me a mail as well. i rarely pick a line from what was said. but i think its okay for now. nobody's gonna read this post. rarely do i see people say anything. they don't have anything to say.
"don't bother telling me what's going on over there anymore. i don't think its that important"
important, i'm think and beginning to believe i am not. if she say so i guess. the word stings even my lifeless piece shit heart.
falling asleep now. no, i feel like i wanna passed out. good bye...
date:
Monday, September 28, 2009
title:
time: 7:23 PM
(owl city, fireflies)
i had a weird day. too weird enough to keep me awake and ponder the rest of the day.
my ex came on the other asking how i was. after my reply, we both were at a stand off silence. ironically enough, i was also chatting with nat. we both came into stop chat moment as well.
yesterday, the malaysians had a drink fest at abby's. titled for the night was "minum sampai gila", which i agree is what happens all the time when a party goes down there. cops came due to a noise complaint by the neighbor, all the under age kids went on to hid. that practically was the end of the party.
i was sleeping in the day when i start hearing somebody screaming. i couldn't snap myself to recognize whom the girl was, seeing that none such a person leave here in my crib. she started screaming my name and it woke me up. i came about with a huge headache and a puzzled mind. my chest suddenly felt hurt and the walls look as if they were about to closed in on me.
i try to think who that person was that was screaming my name. it sounded like she was screaming but it was more like a cold hurtful whisper into my ears. after a second to take over my lifeless body, i look around and found out that the day had turn into night.
while i try to seclude myself from all of this, i remind myself of how pitiful i still am and just how much of a dead heartbeat i still have. no matter how people say the opposite, things will always happen that'll never make me change my point of view.
suffer well, have nightmares bout me till then.
date:
Friday, September 18, 2009
title:
time: 8:07 PM
(killswitch engage, fixation on darkness) i hate
i hate it when i get glares, for something i know i'm correct, it's so easy for just about anybody, to dump anything on somebody else,
i hate it when people ditch something, for something more materialistic, i know i've done the same thing once or twice, thus why i hate myself more than anything,
i hate it when light gets shed to my eyes, it glares and pains my eyes, i'm already lacking sleep, my eyes can't keep on pain stacking the heat,
i hate it when somebody say what they're not, "i dont change", "i promised..", yes we are not perfect, so why even bother to paint those words on the wall,
i hate you for being who you are, i hate myself more for letting you be such a person, i wish i can return to the world and get a peace of mind, let my head lay down and just say no,
i hate how i was used as a stepping stone, a ladder for somebody to get better, what's even more, i hate it when i myself can't achieve the same thing,
i hate it when i see the tear drops of blood stop, i wish it would continue, i wish i had a bigger knife, i hate it how in life, everything is always not holding itself,
i hate it when i wanna delete you but i can't, how i dream about you and wake up to find nothing, the most annoying thing i can say to end this is, i hate it how my life is turning out,
maybe someday people will read this, i know a few that think nonchalant about it, i don't really care, its enough if my words pierce their heart enough, just to stop them from moving in a second split,
hope maybe in due time, i'll be understood. i guess.
date:
Monday, September 7, 2009
title:
time: 8:07 PM
i fixed the link that was kinda bugged out in the last post.
i've been passing by to the washroom like i'm paying an overdue bill that wasn't even there. i dont know if it was something i ate or didn't. if i remember, i didn't had anything spicy or gross.
find myself thinking about what people are doing at the moment. not all though, just a few. wonder if they even remember if i'm alive or not. my mum's fussing about me getting a phone ever since i decided to cut my existing line. sisters been spamming my mail with her blah blah blah. and whats even worst, they brought nen into it. gah...
no offense to chinese, but i feel as though that other chinese housemate of mine is well...a incy wincy a bit dirty. its just that he farts in his room with his door open and i can hear it all the way here. the sound, the noise and the smell drives me enough to go to the balcony just and have 2 cigs before coming in and just flinching my fingers just trying to hold myself from going all emo again. dude come on, if your gonna fart at least close the door or don't make a big noise of it.
damn my life, freaking damn.
date:
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
title:
time: 5:12 PM
(Chevelle, Jars)
i'm still recovering from this icky feeling of not feeling like my house is mine. it's a bit annoying and i just wish it could go away.
the other day, my housemate was locking up himself in the room the whole night. now he normally does that, only this time...he did it a bit too "long"
i was busy trying to hope myself a shot at getting back to school and of course for my mum to send my tuition money already. he goes out and starts off a weirddd convo with me.
W : urm...do u think u can turn ur speakers a bit louder later? G : (looking a bit puzzled) uhm, its night time and i don't wanna get a noise complaint. so like, what's up? W : (with an annoying giggle) there might be somebody coming later G : (at this point, my eye brows raised) who? W : somebody. uhm, don't think you know her G : please don't tell me you did what i think you did W : uhm, yeap. she's already on her way here G : u freaking piece of shit
seeing that he's the youngest member of this crib, i decided to walk off upstairs and gladly obliged to his request.
i have nothing against somebody having explicit actions in my crib. but think from my point of view, why just go bombard me with something when i'm having the worst headache of my life at the moment. the other guy found as well when he woke up 5 mins later. we're both debating whether we should post a spy cam and torrent such amazing sights to the web.
if you got enough money to call a gal, i'm sure enough you have enough to make one permanent. the annoying thing is was my desktop was at the living room and its using a lan cable. he knows i can't move shit coz its the server and "W" bought a cable "long" enough to force me to move it there. otherwise, it would be in the room and i won't be able to bother myself to torture my eyes with all these lights all around.
but then, what ever though. it's his right whether he wants to have aids or a viral meningitis infection.
and he was proud of himself when it was all done that he went upstairs and just have a beam over his face.
for now, i shall enjoy chevelle's new song. im profound to find out they're back to doing their best music. though i still prefer their old songs, this new track they're jamming certainly share a resemblance towards it. and my eyes are beginning to go heavy again...
have nitemares bout me till then...
Webowner
Hi,my name is Garrz. some would call me me G where others choose to be formal and just call me by my surname.
this blog is a recollection of my life and my undecided other soul.
while it may seem to be suicidal in a glance, it is just an explicit form of expression of myself against the typical world.
i AM a banana and i do LOVE sad pandas.
contact can be made towards ybgarr@gmail.com
