date:
Friday, March 28, 2008
title: Dear Pathetic Friday
theme: All Time Low, Dear Maria Count Me In
i feel weak today. unlike normal days, i woke up to the rare tune of my hand phone only to realize it was my mum calling me. what started out as a normal hi and bye quickly turn into a one sided fight. i was too tired to fight with my mum, it was something i just let myself give up on. after the call, i realize i started to feel uneasy.
'soft' 'weak' 'mushy' 'tired' 'bitter' all the things that i don't normally express myself when i woke up all came in. it was a rare wake up call. i just feel like a loser. i've never had this before. maybe my mind is telling me to give up. its giving me an early warning that my body won't be able to last anymore. reason number one
a cut from nowhere, how weak can i get
or maybe its something to do with my astrology. its 28th of March. 28 + 3 = 11. 11 was the month i was born. 11 is also the age when my whole life got turn around. maybe there's some relationship, like one of those Lost promotions. the fuck, i don't seem to care.
life's been hectic. if i can sum it up in one word, it'll be hectic chaotic lows. but then again, who am i to be blame. i just like being all alone.
people view me as being pathetic. maybe its due to me letting them into my life. that's how a majority of them view me as. judging by contemplating bout my past. i don't hate them, i just don't care. if your friends with me, then i wish you a blessed day. if not, i'll just see you as another dead person in my eyes.
here's something for that someone,
"I'll try!" she said as he walked away.
"Try not to lose you."
Two vibrant hearts could change.
Nothing tears the pain more than deception,
unmasked fear.
"I'll be here waiting" tested and secure.
Nothing hurts my world,
just affects the ones around me.
When sin's deep in my blood,
you'll be the one to fall.
I wish I could be the one,
the one who won't care at all.
But being the one on the stand,
I know the way to go, no one's guiding me.
When time soaked with blood turns its back,
I know it's hard to fall.
Confided in me was your heart.
I know it's hurting you, but it's killing me.
Nothing will last in this life
our time is spent constructing,
now you're perfecting a world... meant to sin.
Constrict your hands around me,
squeeze till I cannot breathe,
this air tastes dead inside me,
contribute to our plague.
Break all your promises,
tear down this steadfast wall,
restraints are useless here,
tasting salvation's near.
i'm in desperate need for some hate to feed on.
date:
Thursday, March 13, 2008
title: an end move
theme: Madina Lake, One Last Kiss
before this, a long long time ago, i've made a post depicting how a chess piece defines my life. she said it was just a stand off. though now i'm more than convinced than ever its not. even if the post was deleted when i've sealed off my blog, it's still fresh in my mind. its kinda ironic that amongst all the memories we tend to try and remember, we never forget those that pains us the most and remind us that not everything is perfect.
so this is how the play came out to be and the eventual end of me.
i started off by being negative and try to control the middle of the board. unfortunately, they saw through the moves and began to pick my pieces bit by bit. dismantling my formation and eventually corner me at every turn.
my friends destroy my pawns in all one swift move by pretending to be there and just used up and any lame excuses that they could could think off. they add further pressure by believing the girl and further try to lower my self esteem. some didn't even bother to take a glance at me and just assume what they want with the idea that i'm a jerk and a nobody.
my family dismantled my rook and knight by just being who they are. i've realized that nobody's perfect. but then how cold can one be towards anything? i've try to change myself to fit their dreams, trying to forget mine in the process and just sacrificed my dreams. i'd tried to be a role model , a son that they can be proud off , but sometimes we just try something just as hard and we can't get enough. their expectations for me were too high for me to reach, they can't look past that. but at times, i'd just wish that they just see from my point of view. its not that i don't respect them, its just i wanna live the life that i myself dream about. everything was shattered when i came back that day. nothing was left, now i'm away in some old hut just trying my best to survive on my own. i know its impossible for me to return all the remarks that i've lash out. but then again, it seems like it was just destiny that the oldest was to be forced out of the household.
the college fuck my ideals and crack my bishop. i've given up on any form of education. lets just leave it at that. i'm infuriated yes, but at the same time i've realized people are way to busy to be concern bout me. its not their fault that i've slack off. in the end, i myself was left to blame. i'm beginning to understand the meaning of leaving in poverty. its nothing like i've imagine. but at least from now, i won't have to depend on anybody.
she took care of my queen in one slick long move. we've made a promise that we'll always be together. i know we were not the most perfect date, we've had fights , shed tears, but we didn't give up then. why did she left me for that bastard i'll always be left pondering. the promise of never to give up was just like yesterday to me. even though when she gave up, i didn't. i tried and fight it off. but i guess it was a nice move for her to further her studies far far away from me. i have an idea of where she is, based on the pictures i've been flash. i can't expect myself to trust anybody else anymore. she said i was always being negative, but i became positive for her. she always push me to be positive, saying it'll serve me better. well i'd tried to be positive, but it seems what await me at the end of the tunnel was a pain far greater than any negativity that i've endured before. i was alone, and i've change my ideals for her. it seems company and partnership were all lies. at the end, i was checkmate with more and more lies.
i've endured a lot lately. i don't expect anybody to understand. this is just me, becoming more and more colder as each day passes. every night, i pray this simple lines
harden my heart,
harden my soul,
within this walls,
may i be cold,
let it be known,
that this soul,
may never be able,
to attach onto anything,
may it be seen,
that he be discarded,
be thrown into the icy depths,
towards the point of no return,
blessed with the act,
of never becoming whole,
take me apart and let me be,
rip my heart so as it will never be hurt,
ever again, never again,
with this i pray,
Amen.
