i've decided to change the annoying song finally. my mood for today is livid and just plain silent perpendicular acoustic emotional dark shadowy depressed smile to lie slump.
i've grow mad at myself sometimes for not being able to do what i think i can do. its a plain disappointment when i can't live up to expectations just because i don't like the field that is being expected of me and hate the plain view of the morning sunrise signaling to give it another go again. i wish that the moon could stay a bit longer and that i have a katana to slice off the smile of the sun.
i stare at myself in front of the screen just wondering what is wrong with until i realize that there's really nothing wrong. its just peer and family expectations that just overwhelms me to a state where i just lock the door in my room every midnight and scratch my arms with some sharp object hoping i don't pass out from the blood that pours out.
i stare deep into the shadows hoping for some sort of guidance will hit my mind and just tell me to do something but alas nothing ever comes out of it. lis made a valid point to me saying that she thinks me keeping myself away from everybody gives off the perception that i'm either a forgetful soul that was just meant to be forgotten or i'm just trying to see who or what will still remember me at the end of the day. which makes me think more towards my past post where i contemplate if friends are just there for benefits or just the plain luxury.
lets fucking face it, everybody changes when they're with new people no matter where the bloody hell they are. be it if they're in malaysia or even war torn iraq, people change just for the plain the reason they want to adapt to their new surroundings. i'm thankful enough i'm one of the plain minorities that do the opposite even if at times it just makes me drool here and there just trying to keep up with all the hypocrites that has been running around here and there. i used to change for somebody and the bitterness that came after that ate me from inside that i just let myself be chewed by it and let all the bridges burned here and there. i lived with it and its just something that can't be fixed, period.
even today, people still talk about it to me and i just take chuck a tequila just to make sure i don't make it to the night with hopes i'll have a heavy hang over to forget about was said. this world is a small place, it sucks to see just how much the walls have closed on me.
I'm old enough to know better and young enough to not give a shit either. maybe someday i'll wake up and say to myself that this was just another dream that just went sour.
date:
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
title:
time: 4:15 PM
so my housemate and i went to get some groceries and they started to play around. i didn't feel like playing and was a bit under the weather so i decided to break off from the pack and just went off to get my stuff. 5 mins later Wade calls out to me and starts to fling this cereal box to my face. i was caught off guard and tried my best to catch it. the cereal box drop and i had to go pick it up. it was then that i realize blood was starting to stain my shirt and i saw "that". turns out the edges of the cereal box was so sharp that it managed to scarred my skin. i don't know why, i'm starting to feel like my body was meant to be scratch. the fact that i'm feeling worst than i did yesterday adds more to my sorrow and i got the plain luck of having a morning class today.
i wanna stare down a 9mm and just see if i can tempt myself to pull the trigger again. i'm gripping myself when ever my mind talks me into suicide. today i learn something new. if looks can kill, so can a freaking 3 dollar purple cereal box.
date:
Sunday, September 19, 2010
title:
time: 4:51 AM
been sleeping like a lazy boy this week, i think it had something to do with the rain. i just feel slow and just really not in the mood to do anything. this week is also the first week where i decided to skip class against the moral obligation of my housemate. they rush to my room and just splash a cup of water on me and took my blanket and hid it. i feel i should do more but i am just an imperfect man trying to manage his non imperfect life.
i may not be a big fan of lady gaga but i do agree with what she has to say on this one. i'll just let the video tell the rest of the story.
change the song on my playlist to a single song. now this song has been played by Adnan the whole week and it got stuck to my head. i figure i share the same joy of letting somebody else relive the torment as well.
"We are all equals only by the state of our appearance"
date:
Thursday, September 9, 2010
title:
time: 7:03 AM
pretty much i've been a samaritan this week, from doing my homework to giving a cig to some guy that was waiting for me at the traffic while i was walking back from McD's.
life's been fun getting to know the strangers that occupy this house. i can't complain, they hate my smoking habits and Wade choose to even say that he's not gonna support me with the nicotine anymore. his girlfriend even went as far to say that i won't get a date with me holding my malboro unlit. not that i can't complain, somebody's been pushing my buttons asking why i don't date these days.
i met "her" at walmart the other night and for the first time i nearly fell for her. but "she" was a stranger and i was just a shadow so the connection never came true. i firmly believe that we won't meet again, but at least that gave me a hint that i am human after all.
wade told me that his mum is gonna treat me to a dinner if i can hack a adobe CS5 for the girl that took pictures of her son's senior year graduation. not that i don't mind, i just feel like i don't deserved any treat for being a pirate.
so today i went to my art class. and Don caught me doing some scribbles on my notepad. thing is i was drawing the guy in front of me with a Brazil soccer hoodie that was trying his best to stay awake and pieces of movie that the whole class was watching. what started out as just a way to past the time became a source of information as i draw pictures which relate to parts of the movie that people missed.
some kid told me i had an accent, i told him it was just the way i talk. he ask me if girls find it hot, i told him heck if i know.
Webowner
Hi,my name is Garrz. some would call me me G where others choose to be formal and just call me by my surname.
this blog is a recollection of my life and my undecided other soul.
while it may seem to be suicidal in a glance, it is just an explicit form of expression of myself against the typical world.
i AM a banana and i do LOVE sad pandas.
contact can be made towards ybgarr@gmail.com
