date:
Friday, May 9, 2008
title: my mind is actually empty
theme : Fireflight, Unbreakable
my mind is actually empty tonight. it has been in this state this past few nights. it's like i'm actually craving for somebody to talk to in this lonely nites that i'm having. i can't determine myself who am i supposed to talk to. i've kinda lost interest, unmotivated and just seem a bit of not caring for anything anymore.
in a sense i'm bored. honestly, i am.
i guess the sense of me actually not talking to anybody this late at night has actually seem to budge me a bit. i remember back then, all those peps that i hang out with. spending our youthful lives all the way to the late night and just didn't care what the fuck happen in class later in the day. we felt so alive in the night that at one time, going to classes seem like just another theory in which we didn't need to prove ourselves. we were young, wild and free. how i miss those days.
now everybody's like budging around, pretending like they need to do something with their lives or else they'll end up a failure. i don't mind. everybody changes. that's a fact. liz told me once that she hope i won't change. i guess she never got the around the idea that it was due to her that i've change. i'm more bitter than before, and my mind is more or less close like the gates of hell.
z, mitch, nat, annia, liz ( for no apparent reason), a few others, and now astrid. hm, it seems a lot of people are starting to dwell in their lives and actually start moving their swings. it's only due time that they did so i guess. i hate to be somebody who stop anything from moving forward. should there be a reason for me to contemplate on how i should not stop thinking about anything that might bring them down, i guess not.
here's my perception of who i am currently. i'm a bad influence. i tell no jokes har har. and i'm always the guy thats bugging everybody with a hi and actually end up making senseless topics just to prolong a convo. i feel guilty each time i see the clock clicks down by the hour heading towards sunlight knowing the folks probably have something important to do later and they need their sleep to get it done properly.
this sorta vibes that i'm getting is what actually tend to make me prone to suicide. maybe i do need a date. then again, i kept on getting off at the wrong sidewalk that i'm practically tired of just looking. even if there was a girl that seem to like me, i'll just end up pushing her aside which in this case WILL lead to another break up. which i think is fair game to me considering i don't trust anybody anymore.
my final dream what ever it maybe is just to stop living and talking. erased everything bout friends and networks, and just lay alone in my bed and lay there. lay there till i just fall off to a slumber in which i don't wake up no matter if its sunny or rainy. my only means of contact would be this laptop and my cell but then again, it never beeps or anything so might as well just stash it under the pillow just the same.
before i call it a night, i'll just leave everybody with something to feed on. i know i'm not afraid of actually being alone. are u? if everybody was afraid of being alone, would that mean that friends are there just to ease your fear? do we all really need to depend on friends to get us through a pitch black cave? if i should decide to actually have a friend, would that also mean that i'm just doing so coz i don't have the confidence or the ability to commit myself to my dream anymore?
Forget the fear, it’s just a crutch
That tries to hold you back and turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just try
PS. tokio hotel's english is not that bad.
date:
Friday, May 2, 2008
title: OMG, i'm listening to pop
theme: some songs which i'm embarrassed to tell about
i'm sorry bout that. but yea, i'm actually listening to some songs which i'm really embarrassed to talk bout. i'll just slip a small piece of note under the door saying it's actually a pop genre. omg
i got a new laptop today. the price was reasonable enough for me to get one. had everything i deem what a laptop should have. a web-cam, a mike, a graphic card, sufficient ram, a dvd-rw and most importantly it has a distinct design. no, i'm not gonna show and tell the real actual price. i'll just again slip another note here that it's below a 3k, even lower than 2700. i'm not gonna be some hypocrite that's gonna get myself a 5k viao. i mean think logically, that amount of money that a viao burns in somebody's pocket can actually get him/her a better laptop at half the price. yes, a viao's OVER-rated. anytime i see somebody flashing off some viao in a coffee bean, i'll just walk and give out a short giggle right straight at their face. i think they deserved it. getting a viao just to tell everyone that their on the super-styling soundtrack. by my most precious sadistic mind, their just wasting their money if not their parents. waste not, want not. thank you astrid for reminding me about that one.
today's my visa interview. i hope i can make it through and get by embassy. i've already heard enough bad vibes from everybody about just how they can just be a bit of a harasser. adam just told me i'll be ok since my english is in his mind my english is that 'good'. i doubt my vocabulary and english speaking skills can out wit an american anyday. i'll be a laughing stock if i should ever try it, relentless of how reckless i can be. zihan said i gotta convince them that i'm not the kid that flunk off my first year. i should show them i'm the guy that busted his ass to get a good second year which convinced a uni that many presume would reject my application to accept me. the only problem here is trying to convince somebody's opinion all the way when they've already set their sights on you from the start. that takes a bit of very extra effort, and i know i'm gonna have hell to do so. i hope my devil's luck will come by this time around. it usually has its own way of helping me out when i'm nearly about to die out here. i called it my devil's luck due to the fact that it usually leaves me struggling and encompass a very long sense to helplessness before actually coming to save me at the end of the day. yea, it can be a bitch. but i know that it'll always get the job done for me no matter how cornered i am.
my mum ask me to pray for my own success. i've already sent out a few request out there as well asking for the same purpose. i'll pray before i leave this house for the car. i only got about an hour to go. 'i gotta have this visa, gotta get past through this, gotta get the visa at the end, gotta convince em, gotta persuade em, gotta gotta get them to approve my visa' words that keep on dangling in my mind. no wonder i can't sleep, i'm a nervous wreck. my mind is too heavy that i can't even shut any trivial stuff down.
it's now that i have to actually show people that doubted me. it's now that i have to convince them that i'm not whom they presumed to me in their socially high class world. the worst thing is i have to do it talking. in a time where i'm always trying to keep myself from saying all those B's and F's words, i know now i'm in a jam. cornered here and there and just suffocating for a piece of fresh oozing relaxing air.
at the end of the day, i know all i can do is not just hope for it but rather have to do something bout it. God help those who help themselves, exactly what i'm talking about.
