date:
Friday, May 9, 2008
title: my mind is actually empty
theme : Fireflight, Unbreakable
my mind is actually empty tonight. it has been in this state this past few nights. it's like i'm actually craving for somebody to talk to in this lonely nites that i'm having. i can't determine myself who am i supposed to talk to. i've kinda lost interest, unmotivated and just seem a bit of not caring for anything anymore.
in a sense i'm bored. honestly, i am.
i guess the sense of me actually not talking to anybody this late at night has actually seem to budge me a bit. i remember back then, all those peps that i hang out with. spending our youthful lives all the way to the late night and just didn't care what the fuck happen in class later in the day. we felt so alive in the night that at one time, going to classes seem like just another theory in which we didn't need to prove ourselves. we were young, wild and free. how i miss those days.
now everybody's like budging around, pretending like they need to do something with their lives or else they'll end up a failure. i don't mind. everybody changes. that's a fact. liz told me once that she hope i won't change. i guess she never got the around the idea that it was due to her that i've change. i'm more bitter than before, and my mind is more or less close like the gates of hell.
z, mitch, nat, annia, liz ( for no apparent reason), a few others, and now astrid. hm, it seems a lot of people are starting to dwell in their lives and actually start moving their swings. it's only due time that they did so i guess. i hate to be somebody who stop anything from moving forward. should there be a reason for me to contemplate on how i should not stop thinking about anything that might bring them down, i guess not.
here's my perception of who i am currently. i'm a bad influence. i tell no jokes har har. and i'm always the guy thats bugging everybody with a hi and actually end up making senseless topics just to prolong a convo. i feel guilty each time i see the clock clicks down by the hour heading towards sunlight knowing the folks probably have something important to do later and they need their sleep to get it done properly.
this sorta vibes that i'm getting is what actually tend to make me prone to suicide. maybe i do need a date. then again, i kept on getting off at the wrong sidewalk that i'm practically tired of just looking. even if there was a girl that seem to like me, i'll just end up pushing her aside which in this case WILL lead to another break up. which i think is fair game to me considering i don't trust anybody anymore.
my final dream what ever it maybe is just to stop living and talking. erased everything bout friends and networks, and just lay alone in my bed and lay there. lay there till i just fall off to a slumber in which i don't wake up no matter if its sunny or rainy. my only means of contact would be this laptop and my cell but then again, it never beeps or anything so might as well just stash it under the pillow just the same.
before i call it a night, i'll just leave everybody with something to feed on. i know i'm not afraid of actually being alone. are u? if everybody was afraid of being alone, would that mean that friends are there just to ease your fear? do we all really need to depend on friends to get us through a pitch black cave? if i should decide to actually have a friend, would that also mean that i'm just doing so coz i don't have the confidence or the ability to commit myself to my dream anymore?
Forget the fear, it’s just a crutch
That tries to hold you back and turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just try
PS. tokio hotel's english is not that bad.
