date:
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
title: Last Day of The Trimester?
The subject seems a bit redundant to me, but yes it is true enough to be put in such a way. I'm really trying (hoping) it will be a reality, but yet here i am blogging and not doing another redundant stray about it. But I guess it does seem fitting that I do this post now, since it does in face seem to be related and important.
I guess the main reason for me to do so was it has been a reason for me to just post about something which I think felt important to me. In the earlier post, i mentioned that i have been accepted into some uni. Past this trimester, it is going to be a year since i have been enrolled. I get past this and I move on to the next step.
I kept telling myself "i have to do it, i have to do it, i have to do it". Fucking hell, I HAVE TO DO IT. The thought of me repeating something to which everybody is expecting me to pull through just over burdening. The weight more or less is so heavy that i've been having sleepless nights about it. It probably has the same effect towards everybody around me in this library, thats why i'm seeing a few people here and there that are actually trying.
That exit door seems close but far at the same time. It literally serves as a reminder to me that my work is not done yet. Time for me to crack some formulas and buzz some empty papers.
Last Day of the Trimester, indeed.
date:
Sunday, September 16, 2012
title: “You have to lift your head up out of the mud and just do it. ” - Teri Garr
As I began to write again, I realize its been days since I found something intolerably interesting to write about. how long has it been since my fingers been tapping the keyboard like they're on fire? how long has it been since my brain has been tap out from its slumber and actually start coming out with words that reside besides the theme of death and emoness?i nearly forgot to feel what i'm feeling at the moment. maybe it was you, or maybe it was just me finally letting somebody into the door with the no entry sign board perfectly polished every time it was looked upon.
Maybe it was the night where you poked at me that made me realize perhaps maybe i should just actually go "why not?" the time where you just kept on pastoring me enough to peak my mind to go from a dark room towards litting a light. i always tend to worry of what your reply would been back then, normally it would be enough to just steer me off as always. somehow, things didn't feel right if i decided to go on my own normal road. so i proceed, and now i know with just a stare in your eyes i made the right choice.
I'm thankful enough to be in your company now each day, even with all the hidden holding hands that we do in front of the crowd that seem to never sleep. i could care less what nonsense they spout from their mouths, all i care at the end of the day is that my hand is holding yours at the end of the day.
We still have a lot to work on. primarily me with all my secrets and past relationships that i choose to never bring up in front of you. that day will surely come, i promise i'll open back the bible and read it out to you for you to understand why am i the way i am.
For now, i just want to get it started trying to make you walk beside me instead of behind me.
xoxo
date:
Monday, September 10, 2012
title:
i've been hitched. that's all for now
date:
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
title: Your Call
I remember back when I started this project, I had a lot of people around me.
Some stuck with me through the end, while the rest fade away through the sands of time.
I remember what started out as just rambles and scribbles eventually became apart of me and later witness to the day and night I have grown accustomed to. Back from that little room in Nilai, all the way to Wichita and now back again to another small dark room around the domains of Selangor.
In all sincere thoughts, I had given up on writing anything. I've lost a few people, some good writers and companions that I won't ever be able to replace. Where they are now and what they are doing at the moment, I can only guess.
Everybody is so scattered apart these days that it just forces me to find a replacement for them at times; and then I remember we are not really that far apart. It is just a drive-by or an e-mail away from saying "hi" and just spending a few minutes of our time just to catch up and make plans to meet up again.
I guess nothing is impossible, it is just a matter of somebody trying to tie the knot again.
 |
| Astrid |
 |
| Mitch |
I always forget that people do still read my posts and some just tend to patiently inquire silently about it. How on earth did I manage to stay in touch with those two ladies on top after all those years across the ocean is still a question to which I can't come up with any answers to.
I still owe it to myself and some other people to patch things up with. I'm a born slacker and I do things very slowly or I just end up just making a wreck of it. More to come I guess.
Time to sweep the rest of the cobwebs off and look for the other damaged relationship to fix.
date:
Monday, March 26, 2012
title: “The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself. ” Anais Nin
my head is a bit intoxicated without the normal alcoholic poison. so i sat on my couch, sip my tea, lit my cig and decided i needed to blog about something to just let something (which i still don't know what) out of my chest.
ever get that feeling? something is pouring down in your mind and you just can't let it out for fear of being judged or worst being taken a fool just because you don't know exactly what it is your supposed to say or do. i do agree some what that i take my personal life a little bit extreme, but i like my privacy. i firmly believe if i can't have just a single moment by myself, i'm more prone to fail at life than living it.
things have been nice in mmu. although i do wish i had a few people i know around me, but they're far across the ocean or probably they've forgotten about me by now. me being replaced by somebody and my name just a cast of shadow in the midst of their mind. truth be told, it was expected. but that didn't stop me from sulking about it and imagining myself in an all white room screaming my lungs off to be remembered for something.
i've come to conclude that no matter how much i try to think about anybody, it just eats away at me knowing that the bond we share doesn't mean shit anymore and the deterioration incises within each passing day. a friend of mine once told me a person changes the more people they swing about from. i told her that ain't true and promise to proof her wrong. tonight i think she was right all along. what was going through my mind to go against her wisdom? she's been through more compared to me.
i bet that person is probably laughing at me right now for trying to vainly proof her wrong. i should give her a cig and say congratz, you where right all along.
date:
Friday, March 2, 2012
title: “I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. ” - Confucius
"I figured I might as well let it out before it grips me down the drain.
So, I went to get a medical check-up today to settle the last part of my uni documentation. What turns out to be a normal routine check, turned into a night with a whole lot of counselling and micro medicinal vocabulary down my brain. Everything was going well, from my urine test towards my eye sight test until they check my pulse and suddenly the nurse stood up and immediately and pass my blood pressure results to the doctor.
The doctor took a glance look and ask me to head into his room. He ask me to sit down and ask me to relax. He took my pulse, and listen to my breathing and after that he told me I had Metabolic Syndrome. According to him, it a mixture of medical disorders that occur together which leads to heart disease, stroke and diabetes. While I need to go into a more detailed check to comfirm those three, he said chances are I'm already more than likely to have a heart disease and stroke due to the irregularity of my blood pressure and pulse rate.
He added that I'm already at risk since his initial findings from my so call general medical check up was sufficient proof enough I'm suffering from Young Hypertension (which in other terms mean High Blood Pressure).
What's even worst, there's no cure for all this he said. Only way to actually heal it is to actually "live" a more healthier lifestyle. I told myself great, I' already have to dig my own grave and now I know what I'll die off. So there it is, I'm practically can die any time now. I told my cousin about it he was speechless. I just told my mum about it over the phone and she said she'll come see me soon after her final chemo treatment, while my dad just said don't think too much about it. I'm not in a death bed yet, but I feel like I'm already standing in one. I don't know when I'll die but I guess I'm better telling somebody about it before it actually do hit me sooner.FML. "
date:
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
title: “I was taught that pain is bad. ” Keith Miller
I check the application status today, and it read “Congratulations, You been accepted”. A gust of stressful air came out of my lungs as I breathed myself to control my emotions. Focus Gary, you just break the first part of the wall. Now you have to climb the steps and this time, a single slip is the end.
I never knew they would accept me, but they did. I guess its either they want my money, they think I’m good enough or just they just think I’ll fail again. Thoughts can only explain which is which, I know my brain is currently hell bend on its current assumption.
I haven’t been able to contact a few person of interest in awhile. Most probably because I feel it’s close to valentines and I guess some of them are bit pre-occupied with it both in a positive and negative way. I’ve no plans for v-day, as much as some people would think I should. I kind of feel old when I think about it. Me celebrating it with somebody, and the thought of Katy Perry’s music video pop up into the frame. It’s not enough that hitz.tv play it every day in their playlist, they played it nearly every morning. I swear it’s always there coz I listen to it every time when I have my morning coffee. Did I mention I’m trying to quit smoking now? Yes, serious.
Who am I kidding right?
But honestly I am. I’ll at least give it a real shot this time.
Happy valentines to all you love birds out there. Hopefully you won’t look your partner in the eye and scare them off like I did.
